Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Once Upon a Time, When I was Young

I've been pretty quiet on this blog lately. Life has been... tough. I've spent a great many of my words here this past year talking about Rheumatoid Arthritis and how its sudden appearance in my life has changed things. I try not to dwell on it, but RA is every moment now. It's nearly every thought.

Once Upon a Time, When I was Young... I thought RA was a pretty simple thing. It was arthritis, plain and simple. You tried a few treatments, found the right ones, and then things went back to normal. At the worst, I assumed I would move a little slower, perhaps have a bit of a limp, perhaps have a few bad days here and there.

Once Upon a Time, When I was Young... I spent my days conquering the world and doing everything I needed and wanted to. And now I feel old and worn out. I hurt all the time, but that is somehow the easy part. We have tried so many things and are still trying them. But RA isn't the simple disease it seemed to be when standing on the outside looking in. It behaves differently in everyone.

Once Upon a Time, When I was Young... I ran this show. I determined my schedule. I decided how to spend my days. I could go to any conference, any signing. I had the stamina and energy and physical endurance to blog and write and edit and market and do everything an author is expected to do to build her career and reach out to readers. I could do it all, and I loved it. Now, I've finally had to admit to myself that I can't do most of it. Not even on my good days. Things will get better, but they'll never be what they were before. So the amazing places I imagined my writing would take me, the accomplishments I'd daydreamed about, have taken their place alongside so many other things I am learning to let go of.

Once Upon a Time, When I was Young... I thought all those things were extremely important. Crucial, even. I had a predetermined definition of success. But I'm suddenly older now. Older and wiser. I have learned to be grateful for the smallest of things. I have learned a new definition of success. I have discovered inner strength I didn't know I possessed.

I don't know what my life will look like in another year, another decade. Things are still too complicated, too up in the air. I'll confess, part of me is a little scared. When I was younger and life was easier, that bit of uncertainty would have eaten away at me. But life is a gift, and I don't mean to waste it being afraid. Because I am a stronger person than I was when I was young, once upon a time.


12 comments:

Paul D. Eden said...

We love you Sarah. You are an inspiration to us all.

Chris & Christina Taylor said...

Keep your chin up -you can do hard things! I can't begin to understand everything you must be going through, but I admire your strength. When I have a hard day it really helps to talk about it or write out my feelings, which I think you did (way to go!). Just know that you have TONS of readers out there that are cheering you on -and not just cause you're an amazing author (even though you are!).

Agneta and David said...

That STAR is still here. That star is YOU! You Sarah, shine bright in my eyes and stir my heart!

Rachel said...

You are so amazing!! <3

Writers Unite to Fight Cancer said...

Keep hanging in there. We all love you.
Margaret

Jewel said...

What a beautiful string of thoughts, and how beautifully you displayed them. Thank you for sharing exactly what I needed to read tonight. You still touch my life in so many ways through your incredible, positive, humorous, strong example. Thank you.

Becca said...

Thanks for sharing your heart. That re-evaluation is soul-stretching, but I have every confidence in your ability to make excellent choices and make the most crucial things happen. You are, indeed, stronger than you ever thought. XOXO

Jessica Fluckiger said...

No wonder there are moments in your books that make my heart hurt in a powerful way. You've given Sorrel courage to keep walking, and Miranda the hope to watch out the window just one more day, and Kate the fortitude to sacrifice everything for someone else. You can do that because you have been taught to understand. Your books are beautiful because you are beautiful. Thank you for sharing your lessons with all of us. They often help us to face another day.

Deanna said...

I love your positivity and willingness to share your experiences with us. Love the song at the end too. :)

Anthony Dutson said...

The future will always be a bit scary, but 'thy friends do still stand by thee' and we always will. You are an inspiration and support even flat on your back. Thanks for sharing the difficult times, and your passion to overcome, with us. Chin up, Supergirl!

Breanne said...

I am so sorry for your struggles. I love your books. Earlier this year I spent 2 months in the hospital with my newborn, 6 hours away from my husband and toddler. During that time I read all of your books at least once, and your stories of love, triumph, and happily-ever-after were a great blessing to me and lifted my spirits when I really needed it. I will pray that you are able to find a way to manage your pain so you can continue to uplift others with your talent.

Christine W said...

Sarah, from the moment I met you I've recognized something spectacular in you. You've only ever had a smile on your face and a bounce in your step. Anyone can see you have the light in your eyes. Even though your body may grow weak, I know the light within you will continue to grow brighter. You're a gift to many. Thanks for the inspiration.

Archive

Search This Blog