(Every Friday I interview a different person and share that interview with you. Perhaps they will be a fellow-author. Perhaps one of my neighbors. Maybe the bagger at the grocery store. A member of my family. A follower of this blog. Maybe it will be you! Hey, it could happen.)
For four years the unidentified genius behind the LDS Publisher blog has been offering
- she is a her
- she has quite an impressive resume in the publishing world
- she guards her true identity fiercely.
LDS Publisher has agreed to join me today. Little does she know I am an evil genius when it comes to uncovering deep, dark secrets.
SME: Welcome to INFF!
LDSP: So good to be here.
SME: I see you have come incognito.
LDSP: Yes, I have. Don't you love my dark glasses?
SME: Trying to throw me off the scent, aren't ya? I should warn you, I am remarkably perceptive and will very soon see through this charade! Mwah-hah-hah!!
LDSP: *thinking that was kind of an evil sounding laugh* BTW, Could you adjust the lights? That big one is shining right in my eyes.
SME: My bad. I get a little carried away.
LDSP: Oh, what a lovely scarf. Why are you using it to tie my arms to this chair?
SME: Again... carried away. Still, arm tying is a crucial part of solving any mystery.
LDSP: *shifts uncomfortably in hard wooden chair*
SME: Now that I have your undivided attention and have secured your cooperation through nefarious means, let's get down to the deep, revealing questions, shall we?
LDSP: Okay *feeling smug and clever; no secrets will be given away today*
SME: *does her best CSI voice* What's your favorite color?
LDSP: Lavendar. I'm wearing my favorite dress in the photo of me on my blog. And you can also see that my laptop is a lovely light lavendar.
SME: Ah hah!! Oh... wait... that wasn't very revealing after all. Hmm... I'm taking this in a new direction. *narrows eyes, pounds fists on metal table, adjusts lights to be even more uncomfortably bright* When faced with a bowl of neapolitan ice cream, which flavor do you go for first?
LDSP: Chocolate, of course!
SME: Ah hah!!!... wait... *paces interrogation room in an attempt to look intimidating, but is actually trying to think of a better strategy* Purely for the sake of coordinating... things... My clocks currently read Mountain Daylight Time. *tries to look innocent, but mostly looks awkward* Does your clock happen to read the same thing?
LDSP: *She's tricky, but not quite tricky enough...* Why, yes, it does! But I also have a clock right next to it displaying New York City time. And one next to that with Tokyo time.
LDSP: Excuse me, but that light is really hot. I'm starting to sweat.
SME: Just answer the questions! (Wow. I just scared myself!!)
Have you scraped globs of bubble gum flavored kids' toothpaste off the bathroom counter recently?
LDSP: Uhm, okay. Yes. I have. But then you have to ask yourself... Were the globs put there by my children or my grandchildren? You also have to ask how old they were.
SME: Foiled again!!
Then, answer this: Do you have any vivid memories of the 60s? Oh... wait... very few people have vivid memories of the 60s. Drat!
LDSP: *looks down at the sweat staining her lovely lavendar silk blouse* Sigh.
I'll just say I was breathing during the 60s.
SME: *scribbles that in her notebook* How long have you been running the circus... er... very serious and philosophical undertaking... over at ldspublisher?
LDSP: You mean my lovely lavendar blog? Since April 7, 2006.
SME: That turned out to be a little unhelpful, but informative.
Back to the revealing questions: How likely is it that a person might have unknowingly encountered you amongst the 400 or so attendees of the LDStorymakers Conference last month?
LDSP: Very likely.
SME: "Very likely"... there's a deeper meaning in that somewhere... hmm...
LDSP: I even spoke to you.
SME: Spoke to me... Let's see. Very few people actually spoke to me... Still not enough information! Drat, drat, drat!
LDSP: Ummm, Can I get some water?
SME: That light really is a little much, isn't it? Sorry. I mean.. Too bad! And, yeah, here's some water. And a long straw since your arms are unavailable.
LDSP: Oh, thank you for the water. Wait...blurble...gasp...cough. I didn't mean dunk my head in a bucket of water!
SME: This mean-investigator gig is fun!!
LDSP: *watches the water drip all over her silk blouse*
SME: I'll understand if you simply can't answer this question--it might be a little too revealing. What is your favorite continent?
LDSP: Well, since the Internet (where I live) is not technically a continent, I'll go with North America (the hotbed of LDS fiction).
SME: *nods knowingly in hopes of convincing LDSP that she has just revealed herself, but in reality is no closer to solving this mystery than when the interview began*
How fond are you of random games with very little purpose where winning is a given and the game officiator tends to cheat indiscriminately?
LDSP: Love them. They're my favorite kind. Ooops. Did that give away too much?
SME: *smirks* So. The game. Hiding one's true identity has come in handy so often over the course of history--but I don't have to tell you that.
Hello. You have an alter-ego. *not jealous* Today's game pays tribute to that very superheroic undertaking... the maintaining of a Secret Identity.
Our game is entitled: "It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's... My Seemingly Boring Neighbor?"
LDSP: Sounds fun.
SME: I will give you the "Average Joe" identity of a
superheroand your task is to pick out that misleadingly normal individual's superheroidentity from amongst the possible answers.
LDSP: Okay. I think I can handle that. *hurriedly opens
SME: Identity #1 Eric Twinge
a.) The school boy, Eric, turns into the
superhero"Bananaman" every time he eats the potasium-packed fruit for which he is named.
b.) Eric is an accountant by day, "The Math-Magician" by night. He fights crime and corruption with his unparalleled math skills
c.) Eric Twinge may seem like a typical fire fighter, but underneath that pexiglass helmet is "H-2-Uh-Oh," the
superherowho uses his ability to shoot water out the palms of his hand to protect the innocent from evil-doers with pyrotechnic tendencies.
LDSP: I'm going to choose, uhm, A.
SME: Amazing! You are correct!!!! *grumbles* cheater
LDSP: I don't cheat. Cheaters never prosper.
SME: Apparently, they do. Next question. Number 2: Carter Nash
a.) Carter uses his cover as a newspaper reporter to hide his
superheroidentity: "Super Sonar Man." He communicates with dolphins,locates sunken ships and does a killer submarine impression.
b.) Cartner Nash may seem like a nerdy police department chemist, but his
superheroidentity is second to none. He is "Captain Nice," a superherowith a fear of heights who flies around in his tattered leotards because his mother told him to.
c.) Don't let Carter Nash's Jerk-of-the-Month demeanor fool you. He is actually "The Daring
Diplomat," a superherodetermined to bring peace and prosperity to the world one troubled relationship at a time through mediation, long talks over dinner and repeated rounds of Kumbaya.
LDSP: Well, that's a mystery. I'll go with B for the heck of it.
SME: *despite closely watching LDSP, can't be sure she isn't cheating and is frustrated by her continued inability to figure out this mysterious guest* Yeah. It's B. *another long, searching look*
LDSP: heh-heh. That's what you get for ruining my blouse.
SME: Either you are on really good terms with your fellow secret identity keepers, or you are totally cheating.
LDSP: My lips are sealed.
SME: Last one. *keeps an eye on LDSP* 3) Stanley Beamish
a.) Stanley Beamish passes his days as an easily intimidated gas station attendant. But when his government needs him, he willingly takes a pill that turns him into "Mr. Terrific," granting him courage, strength and the ability to fly... but only for an hour.
b.) Apparently the Secret Identity Committee was running low on creativity when they created the every-day identity for "The Beam," a
superherowho shoots tractor beams from his eyes. Beamish was the best surname they could come up with.
c.) Stanley Beamish is the true identity of LDS Publisher.
LDSP: Tempted to guess C, because we had a pattern going there. But seriously, you really think I could juggle more than one secret identity?
So, uhm, let's say A again.
SME: A is --*sudden sarcasm* big shocker-- correct! You win. Hoorah. Yippee.
LDSP: I love winning.
SME: We need to go to the portrait gallery. The whole interrogation room didn't work and I'm too frustrated to stay here.
LDSP: I can't wait to see my picture.
SME: Are you sure you want to risk showing the world this portrait. My stick figures are always very life-like. A person could so easily know exactly who you are based on this drawing.
LDSP: I worried a bit about that, but since I post my photo right on my blog, I thought I'd take the risk.
SME: *speaks in an oddly stilted and uber-fake tone of surprise* Wait. What is this? Your INFF portrait has been replaced by this very suspicious folder with the words "
RansomNote" scrawled across the front. How very, very odd. And unexpected. Perhaps we should read the note inside.
LDSP: What does it say? Let me see?
If my portrait was stolen, I know who to blame. That dastardly Anonymous! Anon is always causing trouble on my blog.
SME: "LDS Publisher. Your portrait has been abducted. We are holding it for
ransomat an undisclosed location. We demand a clue to your true identity in exchange for the portrait. We are not picky. Any clue will do. As long as it really is a clue and isn't something dumb. Like a game about secret identities or a discussion of ice cream flavors. Thanks, er, I mean, NOT Thanks."
SME: Wow. That was soo intimidating. You'd better share a clue... or something.
LDSP: I can't believe it! "They" found my one weak spot. *maybe this SME woman is smarter than she pretends..."
I MUST have my INFF portrait! So... one clue.
SME: "They" are soo good at this private investigator thing.
LDSP: Uhmmm... well.... *racking brain for a clue that won't totally give me away*
SME: Tough, I know. But those are the breaks, dollface. Wait, was that too much 1920s gangster? I'm new at this tough guy thing.
LDSP: Okay. *swallows hard* Here goes... (this is a big one). My favorite tv show is Castle.
SME: Busted! *that, actually, didn't help that much*
LDSP: Can I have my portrait now?
SME: I guess you can have your portrait. It, oddly enough, happens to be hidden behind my back. Strange.
LDSP: *I knew she was the culprit all along!*
*tosses portrait on table in a huff of frustration*
LDSP: I love it!!! And just because it's so wonderful, I'll divulge one other secret. When I was in college, I wore a hat exactly like that one!
SME: It is a very cool hat, isn't it? *feeling slightly appeased*
LDSP: And I love that scarf. Thank you for untying me.
SME: I thought the scarf made a better accessory than a restraint. And it adds to the air of mystery, keeping your face covered and all.
SME: That brings us to the final question of the interview: Top 5 reasons this is the best blog interview you've ever done. Ready. Go.
LDSP: 1. This is my first, and possibly last, interview ever. It was lots of fun, despite being restrained and ruining my blouse.
2. It brought back wonderful memories of my college days, when I wore my favorite hat everywhere. *wonders whatever happened to that hat*
3. I was interviewed by someone who actually used and spelled the word "piqued" correctly--three times! (Finished Courting Miss Lancaster. LOVED IT!)
4. This is the first time anyone has drawn a picture of me! I love it! And you've definitely captured my good side. *note to self: check office for hidden cameras*
5. No one has ever called me dollface before.
SME: I must say, "piqued" is among my favorite words. And, uh, *ahem* sorry about the blouse.
LDSP: That's okay. The blouse was an old one anyway.
LDSP: And it really was fun matching wits with such a worthy opponent. One more question for you, this time?
LDSP: Do we get a book about Daphne soon? She sort of piqued my interest.
SME: *grins!* I am currently writing Daphne's book... and it rocks!!
LDSP: Can't wait!
SME: Thanks for stopping by and being my INFF friend, even if I still have no idea who you are. *shrugs and sighs dramatically*
LDSP: Thanks for having me.
SME: *cue exit music* Well, this has been "I Need Friends" Friday. Come back next week when I will make another friend!!
If you'd like to be interviewed for "I Need Friends" Friday, shoot me off an email: friends at sarahmeden dot com!
I am looking for anyone and everyone, whether or not you think you are interesting. You'll get a fantastic stick figure portrait of yourself, a little promotion (if you're looking for that sort of thing) and the opportunity to tell your friends and family that you've been interviewed by SME, er... by ME!
(ignore "Read More!")