Friday, May 7, 2010

I Need Friends Friday: Bella Swan

It's that time of the week:

(Every Friday I interview a different person and share that interview with you. Perhaps they will be a fellow-author. Perhaps one of my neighbors. Maybe the bagger at the grocery store. A member of my family. A follower of this blog. Maybe it will be you! Hey, it could happen.)

In the midst of the Great National Debate (Team Edward v. Team Jacob), one individual has stepped up and taken the stance of neutrality. She refuses to take sides. She refuses to "hurt" either team leader. She refuses to make a definitive choice and just get on with things. Her obsessive teen romance has captured the attention of millions. Edward Cullen summed up the feelings countless readers have for Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight" series when he uttered the immortal phrase, "You are my life now."

Today we welcome the narrator and star of that series, Bella Swan.

SME: Welcome to INFF, Bella.

Bella: Thanks.

SME: So things have been pretty busy for you lately... the whole ballet studio thing, a spur-of-the-moment trip to Italy, mental breakdowns.

Bella: Yea.

SME: Um...
*wondering how to get an outward display of emotion from this girl*... so I did a little researching and found out we have a lot in common. Wanna hear what I discovered?

Bella: Sure.

SME: Has anyone ever told you you tend to internalize your thoughts and reactions to the point of leaving those around you essentially clueless when it comes to your feelings? 'Cause it makes an interview really tough.

Bella: *squints* Your eyes. They were like... black the last time I saw you. Now they're... golden.

SME: *looks around in confusion* Uh... So, my list... la list. The list.

Bella: Okay. I'll listen if you stop saying that.

SME: Way #1 in which we are alike: I come from Arizona but now live in a colder climate.

Bella: I miss the heat.

SME: So I've heard. Way #2: I am a total klutz.

Bella: I kinda resent that.

ME: You can't deny it. Everyone totally bought your story about falling down a flight of stairs and through a window. No one even hesitated. They were all like, "Sounds spot on. That's totally Bella."

Bella: Yea. I guess that does sound like me.

SME: Way #3: I regularly have pseudo-conversations with figments of my imagination while doing extremely dangerous things like conjugating verbs and decoding the mystery of lay/lie. We live on the edge, you and I.

Bella: Does it leave you feeling like you have an unhealable hole in your chest that rips open every time you think or breathe or talk or move?

SME: They have doctors for that kind of thing, Bella.
*ahem* Way #4, (although in all honesty I've sort of lost my motivation with this demonstration): I have, in the course of my life, found myself in this exact pose ------->

Bella: Really? The guy you are certain 1-is a vampire, 2-thirsts for your blood and 3-you are unconditionally and irrevocably in love with left you in a creature-infested forest as a means of protecting you, so you completely flipped out and ran ever deeper into that forest until you were exhausted and lost, after which you quickly sunk into an ever-deepening state of near-insanity?

SME: No. I tripped during a hike.

Bella: I'm starting to think we aren't all that alike after all.

SME: *under breath* phew

Bella: Edward said that you played a game during his interview.

SME: Would you like to play a game?

Bella: Will this game require me to make decisions?

SME: They generally do, yea.

Bella: *a look bordering on panic* Decisions? *panic increases* Like choices? Can I take months, years even to make these choices? Am I allowed to draw them out to the point that everyone around me is walking on egg shells and on the verge of attacking one another simply because I haven't made up my mind? *more panic* That's how I make choices. That's what I do it's--

SME: *tries to sound reassuring* No. We can do something else. No choices. Nothing stressful or difficult. Nothing that will push you past your breaking point.

Bella: You say that as if I were unstable or something.

SME: *smiles uneasily*


SME: So, the game--the no-choices-involved game... You've gotten kind of a bad rap for always being on the verge of death. I'm going to give you a series of scenarios and you tell me which of the potentiall
y life-threatening situations you have not found yourself in, that way we can establish once and for all that your life has not been filled with an unusually large number of potentially fatal situations.

Bella: Okay.

SME: #1: You nearly became the "filling" in a motor vehicle sandwich.

Bella: Yep. Done that.

SME: #2: Accosted by drunk thugs.

Bella: Check.

SME: #3: Accosted by vampire thugs.

Bella: Uh-huh.

SME: #4: Paper cut. Bad-nasty paper cut.

Bella: Yeah. That one stung.

SME: #5: Upset a particularly short-tempered werewolf.

Bella: *nods*

SME: #6: Crashed on a motorbike while not wearing a helmet and having never taken any
riding lessons and the only guy around had nothing but his own shirt to use in a first-aid emergency.

Bella: Sounds familiar.

SME: #7: Jumped off a cliff.

Bella: Recreationally.

SME: #8: Attended a vampire festival with actual vampires. Actual vampires who didn't really like you.

Bella: That was kind of a close call.

SME: Seems to me your whole life has pretty much been a close call.

Bella: So how was this a game?

SME: Usually there are wrong and right answers. But, you've more or less been in every conceivable life-threatening situation.

Bella: And you didn't even cover the last two books.

SME: Tell me about it. No. Wait. Don't. Let's just
jump right to the portrait.

Bella: Could you just draw a portrait of Edward?

SME: No.

Bella: Or me and Edward and then I'll fold back the part with me in it so all I see is Edward.

SME: You have issues, girl.

*draws a portrait--without Edward in it*

Bella: It's missing something. I know--

SME: If you say Edward, I'll end this interview right here.


SME: Okay, last question. Top 5 reasons this is the best blog interview you've ever done. Ready. Go.

Bella: 5. Edward--

SME: *cue exit music* Well, this has been "I Need Friends" Friday. Come back next week when I will make another friend!!

If you'd like to be interviewed for "I Need Friends" Friday, shoot me off an email: friends at sarahmeden dot com!
I am looking for anyone and everyone, whether or not you think you are interesting. You'll get a fantastic stick figure portrait of yourself, a little promotion (if you're looking for that sort of thing) and the opportunity to tell your friends and family that you've been interviewed by SME, er... by ME!

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mormonhermitmom said...

You know, I'm going to need an oxygen tank to continue these Friday posts. I'm wheezing already!

Aubrey said...

Not having the best morning, but this totally cheered me up. It's always nice to be reminded that no matter how big of a spaz I am, at least I'm not as bad as Bella. :)

Taffy said...

Oh, girl! You are funneee! You should interview my 7 yr old. He's almost as funny as you.
He told me yesterday he a chased a girl with a comb. It was for getting nostrils out of her hair.

Elizabeth Morgan said...

I love this. It is fun and crazy!!!

Nichole Giles said...

Cute! Thanks for the laugh.

Karlene said...

Hilarious! As always. I love it.

Annette Lyon said...

A 10-snort post. Pure genius you are, woman.

twilightfans said...

awesome. I really don't like how obsessed Bella is with Edward, and you portrayed that perfectley!

Annette Lyon said...

Came back to reread w/ my daughters--and clued in to the apple in the portrait.


Man, you rock.


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