Friday, January 8, 2010

I Need Friends Friday: Jacob Black

It's that time of the week:

(Every Friday I interview a different person and share that interview with you. Perhaps they will be a fellow-author. Perhaps one of my neighbors. Maybe the bagger at the grocery store. A member of my family. A follower of this blog. Maybe it will be you! Hey, it could happen.)

Today's friend is with us all the way from the dreary, wet northwestern United States. He is best known for being the misused and overlooked member of the famous love triangle in Stephenie Meyer's best-selling Twilight series. He has inspired his own "team" and his character traits are constantly being pitted against those of fellow triangler Edward Cullen in arguments between tweenage girls the world over.

Here today by popular demand, Jacob Black!

SME: Welcome to INFF!

Jacob: Great to be here.

You sort of agreed to this on short notice. I hope I didn't inconvenience you.

Jacob: Not a big deal. I rearranged some things, rescheduled, completely messed up all my plans. That kind of thing.

SME: Wow. It's almost like you make a habit of accommodating thoughtless females who expect you to fulfill their every need even at significant cost to you.

Jacob: That's kind of depressing.

SME: And yet you're smiling.

Jacob: What can I say? I'm a happy person.

SME: You're sort of like my own personal sunshine right now.

Jacob: I try.

SME: Do you ever feel like underneath the optimistic persona, you're just a little masochistic

Jacob: Masochistic? Why would you say that?

SME: *pulls out both Twilight and New Moon* I took a few notes. Ahhem. You delivered a message to Bella at her prom telling her to break up with her boyfriend. Who was there at the time. And who is also a vampire. And who gave you the look of long, drawn-out death just for showing up.

Jacob: *shrugs* My dad paid me twenty bucks.

SME: Twenty bucks wouldn't even pay for the casket, buddy.

Jacob: I got to see Bella in her prom dress.

SME: As she walked into the dance with Sparkle Boy.

Jacob: Yeah. That kinda sucked.

SME: Like I said, masochistic. Exhibit B. *pushes New Moon in front of Jacob* This entire book.

Jacob: Helping a friend isn't masochistic.

SME: *rolls eyes* I can see I need to be more specific. *begins flipping through book, but abruptly stops, clutching finger* Paper cut

Jacob: *pulls off shirt and dabs at SME's bloody finger*

SME: Wow. You're kinda beautiful. And not nearly as moody as Edward was.

Jacob: Thanks. On both counts.

SME: I have a game! If you're up for it.

Jacob: Sure.

SME: Awesome. So, for this game I'm going to give you a hypothetical relationship scenario and you let me know how you would have handled it differently if you were the guy. I'm calling our game "Arguments in Favor of Team Jacob, by Jacob Black."

Jacob: Alright.

SME: Scenario #1: You realize that you are insanely attracted to, say, a cheeseburger, fries and thick chocolate shake--you know, something that you would eat in a heartbeat, day or night, 365 a year, in your sleep, without missing a beat. Do you start dating the value meal or do you make a discreet exit and leave the poor menu items to live out their life in peace?

Jacob: Wait? What do you mean I'm "attracted to" the burger and stuff? That doesn't even make sense. Why would I be attracted to something I want to eat?

SME: It's hypothetical.

Jacob: I'm pretty sure I wouldn't date a Happy Meal.

SME: *rubs chin, deep in thought* Very interesting.
Scenario #2: While at a party with your girlfriend--let's just say it's a birthday party--you pick your girlfriend up and toss her across the room, leading to a significant amount of blood loss and a great number of broken decorations. Whom do you blame for this unfortunate series of events--your girlfriend, yourself or the wrapping paper?

Jacob: What does wrapping paper have to do with--?

SME: Never mind.
Scenario #3: You are deep in a dark and mysterious forest with your girlfriend who has just received a pretty significant shock--something akin to being dumped by a guy she is unhealthily obsessed wi
th--and, knowing she doesn't deal well with pretty much anything, do you leave her in the dangerous forest all by herself or do you make sure she returns home safely?

Jacob: Why would I leave someone I care about in a forest? There are wolves and stuff in forests.

SME: *nods in approval* Last scenario, and this one is tough.
Scenario #4: If you found out your girlfriend, in your absence, had hallucinations of you when she was being incredibly stupid and, as a result, started doing even more incredibly stupid things and very nearly got both of you killed in extremely unpleasant ways... what do you do?

Jacob: That girl sounds like a complete nut job.

SME: Yeah. Think about that, okay? It'll significantly simplify your life.

Jacob: *look of confusion* Sure.

SME: I drew a portrait of you. Wanna see?

Jacob: Sure!


SME: There ya go.

Jacob: Did you just draw a stick figure with muscles?

SME: Like anyone would recognize you if I didn't.

Jacob: Good point.

SME: Alright, final question. Top five reasons this is the best blog interview you've ever done. Ready. Go.

Jacob: 1. I got to talk about Bella.

SME: I'm gonna puke. Did you not pay any attention to the game we played?

Jacob: What does that have to do with Bella?

SME: Never mind. What is #2?

Jacob: 2. I got to take my shirt off. Oddly enough, I find this a strangely comforting thing to do. It's almost as if it is something I do so regularly that it has become habit.

SME: Honestly, I didn't even know you owned a shirt until you showed up with one on.

Jacob: 3. I got to talk smack about Edward.

SME: He reads this blog, you know.

Jacob: I can take him.

SME: *rolls eyes* That's such a guy thing to say.

Jacob: 4. I got to demonstrate the little-known "in case of emergency, remove shirt" first-aid technique.

SME: The finger is much better, by the way.

Jacob: Works every time. #5. I never once referred to myself as a monster.

SME: Something I appreciate more than you can possibly know. Well, thanks for stopping by, Jacob. This was a lot of fun.

Jacob: You're welcome!

SME: *cue exit music* Well, this has been "I Need Friends" Friday. Come back next week when I will make another friend!!

If you'd like to be interviewed for "I Need Friends" Friday, shoot me off an email: friends at sarahmeden dot com!
I am looking for anyone and everyone, whether or not you think you are interesting. You'll get a fantastic stick figure portrait of yourself, a little promotion (if you're looking for that sort of thing) and the opportunity to tell your friends and family that you've been interviewed by SME, er... by ME!


mormonhermitmom said...

I'm not team anybody, but Jacob does a lot better in an interview than Edward does. LOL

Valerie Ipson said...

Excellent interview!!! Too funny!

Krista said...

You crack me up. Jacob is as Jacob does.

Aubrey said...

Love the Jacob stick figure with the muscles. Have you ever thought of releasing your portraits as sort of a limited edition collectible set?

Annette Lyon said...

Even better than Edward's interview. The portrait is classic. Bravo, SME!

sweetvictorya said...

I haven't seen or read Twilight, but both interviews were great.

Jewel said...

Once again, I about peed. Hilarious.

Karlene said...

I always put down my drink before reading your INFF posts because Iknow if I don't, I'll end up spraying my computer screen when I start laughing uncontrollably.


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